RACHAEL
Nell Sullivan
“Shall we begin?” said Rocco, pen poised. He was eager to record the minutes of today’s meeting. Santa turned around in his mock leather swivel chair (his accountant’s idea of cost-cutting at the North Pole). The chair groaned under his enormous weight.
“My friends," he began, “Welcome to our annual general meeting." The reindeer tapped their hooves on the table in response.
“This year for the first time in history there are going to be changes,” said Santa.
Rudolph shifted uneasily in his chair. He didn’t want changes. He wanted order, tradition, the cosiness of sameness.
Santa cleared his throat.
“It has been brought to my attention that there are no females on the sleigh team.” He paused, feeling the weight of testosterone fury.
“And in the current climate of advanced political correctness it is imperative to include at least one female.”
“Sorry to interrupt," murmured Rollo, “but won’t a female be too distracting for us?”
“Mmm, interesting point,” said Santa.
“She also won’t be as strong or as dextrous and everyone knows females are useless at directions."
“Reindeers, reindeers we could come up with all sorts of reasons why a female can’t be with us but I am under pressure to include one."
“But Santa, females are only good at cooking, cleaning and looking after kids…..” His voice trailed off under Santa’s disapproving gaze.
“One of the team of course will have to step down and I will leave the decision to Rudolph. Good day gentle deers. I will see you anon.”
Santa left the boardroom.
Rudolph seethed. One of the deer had to go, but which one when he treasured them all equally? What the hell was Santa thinking of? Rudolph blamed the feminists and their “Let’s all be equal policies.” Deluded not very attractive females who because they can’t get a male decide they have to act like them. Where would they stop? They might want to get rid of the nativity altogether and have a bunch of lesbians in the crib with Jesus. It didn’t bear worth thinking.
Every reindeer blinked nervously as they pulled a straw. Ringo drew the short straw. His eyes brimmed with tears. All his life he had trained for the xmas global ride. All those hours spent in the gym to be wasted in retirement.
Rachael sashayed into the boardroom. Rudolph turned towards her. Ah Rachael he thought to himself. She was unlike some of the hormone crazed females he knew. Rachael invoked his inner maleness and made him want to protect her, even care for her. If only all the others were happy with their femininity instead of clamouring for power in his world.
He handed his cup to her. She looked at him in disgust. What had he done?
“Gentle deers I am here to join you for the Christmas global ride. And I have been thinking of a few little interesting touches. How about us all having red noses? I have a friend who’s a great plastic surgeon. We could all have a nose make over, make us a bit more colour co-ordinated don’t you think?"
Rudolph groaned. Seven deers, one doe, eight red noses. He would no longer be Rudolph the red noses reindeer, no longer special, no longer the leader of the pack. He stared into the void, hovering on the precipice of deer nuttiness. He smiled at her, his gums receding, his teeth forced into prominence trying to hide his lack of sentiment.
© 2003 by danmahony.com