Nell Sullivan

Scene. A kitchen with a table, 4 chairs, 2 cupboards, a kettle.

Characters. Mags Mullins, Helen Quinn, Fr Anthony, and Niamh.

The two women enter the kitchen through the kitchen door.

HELEN. Mags I could murder a cup of tea. Will you join me?

MAGS. That’d be lovely.

HELEN (puts on the kettle). Will you take off your coat and warm yourself in front of the heater. ‘Tis a wonder we both don’t contract pneumonia with the weather out there. I’m frozen to the core.

MAGS. I don’t mind the cold too much. When you’re thin you feel the cold more. I guess I have enough insulation.

HELEN. I’d say Father Anthony will be pleased with our work today.

MAGS. No doubt about it. Sure he loves flowers anyway. Takes away from the austerity of the church don’t you think?

HELEN. Yeah, adds a bit of colour. Speaking of which, I loved today’s colours, pink and purple. Who donated them?

MAGS. Kathleen Malone. Her husband died a few days ago.

HELEN. Oh Father Anthony told me about her. Seems John Malone had cancer for quite sometime. Poor man he suffered a lot towards the end.

MAGS. Where did he have it?

HELEN. It started in his prostrate and then spread to his liver and bones. Turns out he was riddled with cancer towards the end. I don’t know what caused it. He wasn’t a big drinker and he never smoked.

MAGS. Must be the food we’re eating or the water. Although some say it’s the air pollution.

HELEN. There’s always something to worry about.

MAGS. Still it was good of her to donate the flowers.

HELEN. She can well afford it.

MAGS. What do you mean?

HELEN. Well let’s just say she’s a very wealthy widow now. She and her husband sold some land to the council some months back. Some say they got over two million for it. I wouldn’t mind but they had plenty of money to begin with. His people were wealthy farmers from Listowel and he was a vet.

MAGS. You know what they say, money follows money.

HELEN. No good to poor John now he’s dead. God rest his soul.

MAGS. She’ll enjoy it so. But it’s not much fun when you’re alone.

HELEN. That one won’t be on her own for long. I’d say she was never alone if you know what I mean.

MAGS. Really?

HELEN. Well as I always say there’s no smoke without a fire. Rumour has it she’s been seeing that hippy farmer Tip Murphy for the past two years.

MAGS. Isn’t he the one whose wife ran off to France with the postman a while back?

HELEN. The very man. He knew what he was getting into with her. I’m sure he could read the euro signs each time he looked into her eyes. He’s cute that fellow, letting on to be all sweet as pie caring for the environment. And all the while both of them were waiting for the husband to pop off. Sure she’ll probably marry again.

MAGS. Isn’t she a bit old for that at fifty six.

HELEN. That wouldn’t stop the likes of her. She’s free to do what she wants now that John is dead.

MAGS. I don’t think I could ever marry again. The thought of getting used to another man……. I’d prefer a dog or a cat I think.

HELEN. She’s still a good looking woman, well preserved but she’s not the brightest button on the coat. She was in school with me and was forever in the slow row. Sure she thought she was elected when she met John and discovered he was loaded.

MAGS. Did she marry him for his money then?

HELEN. Well it wasn’t for his looks. Pat was fat and frumpy and she looked like a young Grace Kelly in her day. I don’t know if they ever really got on. She had the kids, three of them and he was devoted to his job. Whenever they were out together she was the one doing all the talking while he just sat there looking bored.

MAGS. Maybe he was shy.

HELEN. Backward I’d say. A lot of people who are too educated have no social skills. They’re locked into their own thoughts. Do you wasn’t a bicci Mags or a slice of Madeira?

MAGS. Nothing for me Helen. I’m trying to shift a few pounds.

HELEN. Ah go on. Sure Madeira is so light it has no calories at all. One slice isn’t going to make a difference.

MAGS. Alright but I am starting from tomorrow, no junk, only three meals a day and not a morsel past my lips after six.

HELEN. As long as you’re healthy Mags. ( Helen doesn’t eat.)

MAGS. How’s Niamh getting on in school?

HELEN. Not bad but it’s not easy repeating the leaving. Bobbie and I are paying for some extra help for her in German. She goes to Gunther Stein twice a week. Do you know him?

MAGS. I do, I do actually. He’s renting a house a few doors down from me.

HELEN. Go away, isn’t it a small world. What do you think of him?

MAGS. He’s a fine looking young man.

HELEN. Mmmmm but in a German sort of way. Blond hair, blue eyes, always looks perfect.

MAGS. I wouldn’t hold that against him. It must be hard for him here being away from his own country.

HELEN. He doesn’t seem to make any attempt to integrate. I thought the Germans were big beer drinkers but this guy doesn’t drink at all. Niamh says he’s never seen out in the pub scene.

MAGS. Sure he’ll never meet anyone if he’s like that. Poor lad. What does he do with his time?

HELEN. He seems to work quite a bit giving private grinds. He doesn’t say much, pretty withdrawn I think. I’ve tried talking to him a few times, asking him if he’s settling in, if he has a girlfriend but he says nothing at all.

MAGS. You have to be careful with the quiet ones. It’s strange leaving your own country to come here anyway. It’s not as if he has a big job in Kerry Group.

HELEN. We really don’t know anything about these foreigners. I wouldn’t like any of my daughters to be involved with them. They’re better off with a local guy where we can check the pedigree. Better the divil you know.

MAGS. He couldn’t be making that much money with private tuition, now could he?

HELEN. I’d say not. With his English and German he’d be better off in business.

MAGS. He could get a proper job with a German company.

HELEN. Oh I agree with you.

MAGS. To tell you the truth I’ve seen him on a few occasions with Rose Dowling.

HELEN. She’s the divorcee isn’t she?

MAGS. Yeah that’s her. Been divorced for the past seven years.

HELEN. I thought she was in England for years.

MAGS. She was but she came back when the marriage broke up. She has one daughter, very good looking girl but a bit of a rebel, so they say.

HELEN. I’ve never seen her at mass. Have you ever seen her?

MAGS. No but I spoke to her once and she told me that a divorced person can no longer receive the sacraments.

HELEN. Sure what can she expect?

MAGS. I know. We could all be divorced.

HELEN. Not me Mags. Bobbie and I are very happy. We’ve been married for twenty years and I couldn’t imagine being without him now.

MAGS. Seems she wasn’t happy.

HELEN. But her husband had a good job, she had plenty of money to do whatever she wanted. I remember when they were younger she was all over him.

MAGS. Sometimes HELEN the younger generation give up with the first fight. They don’t try to work at things anymore. I think she could be seeing this Gunther fellow now.

HELEN. He’s younger than her though by a few years.

MAGS. It’s the trend today. Even women our age in Hollywood are with younger men.

HELEN. I honestly don’t know what he could see in her anyway.

MAGS. She’s quite strange.

HELEN. She was like that when she was younger as well.

MAGS. I’d say she’s gone through a few guys since she got back to Ireland.

HELEN. Are they from the town?

MAGS. No she seems to fish outside of the county. The last time I heard about her she was when she was seeing a Canadian.

HELEN. Niamh told me she doesn’t drink so maybe she has something in common with Gunther there.

MAGS. She’s big into alternative health but I think she looks miserable. She’s too thin, much too thin. Men don’t go for women who are that skinny do they?

HELEN. Oh I don’t think so.

MAGS. I’d say she doesn’t eat a bite, maybe some organic vegetables.

HELEN. I’m glad you told me about her and Gunther. I’ll have a word in his ear the next time I see him. Here MAGS, have another slice of Madeira and help yourself to some butter. I much prefer real butter don’t you. We have none of that plastic let’s pretend to be butter stuff in our house.

MAGS. By the way how’s your Janet getting on?

HELEN. She’s so much better now. This time last year she was beside herself with grief. That boyfriend of hers had a lot to answer for. Sure he led her to believe they were getting married. He’d bought a site and started building and then the scoundrel announced he’d met someone else.

MAGS. Some men can be so callous.

HELEN. Well she seems to be happy now she’s met Declan. He’s lovely, ever such a gentleman, always complimenting her. They’ve been seeing each other for over ten months now so I’m hoping this is it. At thirty three Janet isn’t getting any younger and if she wants children she would want to start thinking about marriage.

MAGS. Marriage doesn’t stop anyone today Helen. There are a load of single women with children living near us.

HELEN. That wouldn’t be on here, no way. Janet would have to be married before having kids. We have to set some standard for her two sisters. Besides Bobbie and I want stability for Janet. I don’t think she’s cope otherwise.

MAGS. Some of them don’t get married but they live together.

HELEN. I wouldn’t be happy with that set up either. Declan comes from a good catholic home and I’m sure his family wouldn’t be happy either.

MAGS. She might get the ring for Christmas then.

HELEN. He hasn’t proposed yet but he has invited her away on a weekend to Paris close to Christmas.

MAGS. From what I remember Janet has expensive tastes.

HELEN. She’s like her mother I’m afraid. She went to Cork last week with Declan and while he had some business to attend to she went to Brown Thomas’s. It’s her favourite shop. She bought a thong.

MAGS. Sure what’s wrong with that? They all wear those small things today. Me, I can only wear comfortable good sized knickers.

HELEN. What’s wrong Mags? Is that the thong cost twenty euro and she didn’t blink an eyelid.

MAGS. She must have more money than sense. I hope Declan will be able to keep up with her.

HELEN. Oh no problem there. Declan has a great job working for the department of agriculture. His father is also very comfortable, owns a string of property in Dublin. Declan is an only son.

MAGS. It would be lovely to have a spring wedding.

HELEN. Well they’re not engaged yet but it could be the spring of the following year. We’ll do the best for our Janet. She deserves the best.

MAGS. Where would you go to get an outfit?

HELEN. Definitely to Dublin, probably Brown Thomas’s. There’s nothing much round here.

MAGS. There’s supposed to be a good boutique opened in Castle island. I haven’t been there myself but Jodie O Neill got a fabulous dress to go to the Rose Ball this year.

HELEN. The thing about getting an outfit around here is that someone else could show up with the same thing. You know I might even go to London.

MAGS. Oh I’d go with you. We could go over and make a weekend of it.

HELEN. (Reluctantly ) We’ll see. We’ll see.

MAGS. Speaking of weddings, did you see Rita Mc Guire in last week’s Kerry’s Eye.

HELEN. Don’t tell me she got married. Isn’t she the one who works in the fish shop?

MAGS. That’s her.

HELEN. The one with the flaming frizzy hair and the false teeth. Well I’ll be dammed. She got a man. Where’s he from?

MAGS. Knocknagoshel. Some say he’s a bit on the simple side but he’s actually okay to look at.

HELEN. It goes to show that every foot finds an old boot.

MAGS. From what I’ve heard she had an enormous reception over in the Earl, over three hundred.

HELEN. The parents must have been thrilled to marry her off. How could they afford such a splash?

MAGS. Don’t know. Some people have magic purses.

HELEN. Maybe the husband’s wealthy.

MAGS. He just installs slurry pits so he can’t be.

HELEN. There’s something vulgar about huge receptions. When Janet gets married, please God, we’ll have something very private and tasteful.

MAGS. Where would you have the reception?

HELEN. Janet’s dream is to have her reception in a castle so maybe Ballyseedy. I was at a wedding there last year orchestrated by a wedding planner called Frank. It was exquisite. The foyer had ice sculptures with vodka flowing out of them for the guests. The attention to detail was mind boggling. The minute Declan pops the question I’ll be on the phone to Frank myself. And don’t forget Mags you and Gerry will be invited of course.

MAGS. We’d have a great day out. I might even get my outfit in London as well. There’s a boutique near Harrods that caters for the larger woman, although I might have shifted a few pounds by then. Well with any luck.

HELEN. Janet would want to give Declan a bit of a push. Honestly some men just can’t see that all women want is the proposal. Janet needs to have words with him if nothing happens by Christmas. I mean there is no point in her wasting her time with Declan if he has no notion of marriage.

MAGS. You’re dead right. But you see the problem today Helen is that young girls are too quick to jump into bed with the men. Why should they go to the trouble of getting married if they can get it so easily.

HELEN. I blame the women. It wasn’t like that in our day Mags. Sure we only barely kissed before we were up the aisle.

MAGS. We were innocent HELEN but we were happy. We were happy to make do with one man. Today they’re into lots of partners.

HELEN. Well I was talking to Clodagh Lynch the other day. She nurses in the general hospital and she told me that the amount of sexually transmitted diseases is on the increase.

MAGS. They’re like animals today so what can they expect. The town is riddled with disease. Who can you trust? I wouldn’t like to be a young woman again. It’s so hard today for a woman to find a decent man.

HELEN. And the ones that come across as normal are often totally abnormal. Tis a strange world today MAGS.

MAGS. Do you ever hear from Joan McCarthy.

HELEN. The one who married that old man from Sligo?

MAGS. Yeah, you remember she was his fourth wife.

HELEN. I get the odd card from exotic places she goes with him. He’s loaded.

MAGS. She did well that one. I like her though. She has a great spirit.

HELEN. I wouldn’t be too keen on her myself. She does nothing but boast about her new house. Honestly you’d swear we never had matching curtains or leather suites of furniture.

MAGS. Anyone who comes from nothing is forever boasting.

HELEN. You’re right. Sure her mother and father were only from a council estate in Abbeydorney. The way she talks you’d swear she was the Queen of Sheba.

MAGS. Do you know I’d swear she’s had some plastic surgery done.

HELEN. Really?

MAGS. Well her eyes look years younger and her face has lost it’s wrinkles.

HELEN. I could do with some surgery myself.

MAGS. If I had the money I’d have some liposuction.

HELEN. I hear that’s a dangerous procedure.

MAGS. Everything is dangerous today.

HELEN. Ann Molloy’s son graduated last week. His picture was in The Kerryman.

MAGS. I thought he was thick.

HELEN. Thick as a plank.

MAGS. Don’t they all graduate today. Honestly some of them with their hats and gowns and they can barely spell.

HELEN. I don’t think they learn anything in school today.

MAGS. It’s no fun being a teacher. Honestly the cheek some of them give to the teachers. I heard that one lad threatened to burn the headmaster when he asked him to bring in his homework.

HELEN. My father always used to say, God rest his soul, that free education would be our ruination. He was right. Some of those gurriers should be sent out to work to knock the teaspach out of them.

MAGS. They have no respect for anyone today. The other day I was walking past the butcher’s in the square and I swear to God I was nearly mowed over by a gang of them.

HELEN. It’s no fun being a police man either. The law favours the law breaker. My friend in Dublin was broken into last year. She’s a judo expert and when she tackled the robber he sued her for GBH.

MAGS. It’s a joke. We’re not safe anymore. I don’t know if it’s the drink or the drugs or the lack of religion that’s doing it. The country’s in an awful state.

HELEN. We’re lucky we ‘re in the suburbs. It would be a nightmare being in the centre of town. Fights every weekend, youngsters vomiting on the streets.

MAGS. It’s a disgrace, that’s what it is.

HELEN. I don’t know what I’ll have for the dinner tonight. I’m sick of chicken. It’s all Bobbie wants these days. Honestly there’s no real taste off chicken. I’ve tried everything. Chicken stir fry, chicken wraps. You get sick of everything. Wait till I tell you. You know that gorgeous young guy who works at O’Meara’s butchers?

MAGS. Oh he’s lovely.

HELEN. Well I was talking two days ago to his aunt. Turns out he’s gay.

MAGS. Oh no. What a waste.

HELEN. She told me the family were devastated. Imagine your only son telling you he’s gay.

MAGS. I know we must be charitable but I think it’s disgusting.

HELEN. Oh I agree with you. I mean what do they be doing?

MAGS. It doesn’t bear worth thinking about.

HELEN . He doesn’t even look gay but Ruth Delaney’s son looks gay.

MAGS. Would you believe it he got married last summer to a lovely girl, a nurse from Mallow.

HELEN. My God. He could still be gay. That’s what some of them do. They get married as a cover and even have children.

MAGS. Didn’t that happen to a friend I went to school with. Her husband eventually went off with her salsa dancing teacher. She was devastated.

HELEN. I think it’s fashionable to be gay today.

MAGS. Nobody bats an eye if you say you’re a lesbian.

HELEN. I know one girl who was a lesbian and she grew out of it. Could be a phase. Although I’d be very upset if my daughter told me she was one. I’d say Bobbie would have a fit.

MAGS. Thank God I’m not a lesbian. Imagine kissing a woman.

HELEN. Don’t even think about it Mags. Here, have another slice of cake.

Father Anthony knocks at the door.

HELEN. Come in.

FATHER ANTHONY. Ah ladies how are we all today?

HELEN. We’re well Father. Won’t you join us for a cup of tea and a slice of Madeira.

FATHER ANTHONY. Do you know I wouldn’t mind. I’m feeling a bit peckish after this morning and a bit drained to tell you the truth.

HELEN and MAGS. Oh.

FATHER ANTHONY. It’s that poor Malone woman. She’s beside herself with grief. She seems to want endless consolation that her husband has gone to a better place.

MAGS. I’m sure you’ve done your best Father. Grief is a process and it’ll take time.

FATHER ANTHONY. I know that Mags, but this woman seems different.

HELEN. In what way?

FATHER ANTHONY. She’s devastated. Holds nothing back. She’s been crying for days now and there is nothing I can do to stop her.

HELEN. Maybe she should see a doctor.

FATHER ANTHONY. I’ve said that to her but she’ll have none of it. She says she wants to go herself and join her husband.

MAGS. It’s early days yet. Grief changes.

FATHER ANTHONY. I told her she needs company at this time, a little bit of tea and sympathy would do her the world of good. So I’ve taken it upon myself to invite her to the ladies bridge night on Tuesday.

HELEN. Oh I’m sure Mrs Malone wouldn’t be interested in any of our little soirees.

FATHER ANTHONY. On the contrary she told me she’d be only too delighted to come. I was thinking you could ring her to welcome her into the group before Tuesday.

HELEN. No problem Father. Are you off already?

FATHER ANTHONY. Yes, thanks for the tea and cake. Oh and before I forget, thank you so much for the magnificent flower display. It is superb.

MAGS. Don’t mention it.

Father Anthony departs.

HELEN. Well I’ll be dammed. That hypocritical old cow, bawling her eyes out while her bed is still warm with Tip Murphy.

MAGS. And the cheek of her wanting to join our group. You’d want to keep your eye on your husband while she’s around.

HELEN. I don’t believe it. She does nothing in the community and has Father Anthony running round after her.

MAGS. Look Helen I have to go and collect my dry cleaning. I’ll ring you later to see how you got on.

HELEN. Okay Mags. Mind yourself and don’t forget your coat.

HELEN picks up her phone and rings Mrs Malone.

HELEN. Rachael, Helen O’Rourke here. How are you?

Yeah, yeah. Oh I know. ……….How awful for you. ……Yeah , yeah. Listen would you like to come along to our Tuesday night Bridge club?……You would. ……..We like to meet in O’Flaherty’s first for a drink so we’ll meet you then. I’m looking forward to it. …..Right well we’ll see you Tuesday.

HELEN rings Mags. Mags I rang her. She sounded fine on the phone to me. …..Can you believe it? She wants to start flower arranging in the church also…… honest the cheek of the woman and her poor husband in the ground only a few days…alright then ….see you Mags.

(Niamh comes into the kitchen.)

NIAMH. Was that Mags I heard earlier.

HELEN. I thought she’s never go. If I have to listen to another word about her weight and all she ever wants to do is gossip.

NIAMH. I thought she was your friend.

HELEN. I used to think so too but now I feel she’s more of an acquaintance.