TOO MANY COOKS

Nell Sullivan

(It’s five in the morning. Anna Moran stumbles into her bedroom.)

ANNA. Mother of sweet divinity me feet are bleedin’ crucified. (Flings off stilettos, wrestles with her dress, finally succeeds and puts on old tee shirt. Falls into bed. At seven o’clock her mobile phone rings. Fumbles in duvet trying to find it.)

MOTHER. Anna dear is that you?

ANNA. Ugh…

MOTHER. Anna?

ANNA. Mother? (Suddenly very awake). What’s wrong?

MOTHER. What makes you think something’s wrong?

ANNA. It’s 7 o'clock and you don’t get up till 8. So tell me the truth. Who’s dead?

MOTHER. Well you know Mrs Foley’s husband, the one with advanced motor neurone disease? He died yesterday and Sissie’s brother in law from Valencia died the night before last, removal this evening at 5.30.

ANNA (raising her voice). Mother, is everyone in our house alive and breathing?

MOTHER. Why yes dear. Why are you raising your voice? You know that gives me a dreadful headache.

ANNA. Then why are you ringing me at this unearthly hour when you know I was out last night?

MOTHER. Because Bernadette Tobin is on her way to Dublin on the early train and she has two free passes to the Kay Club. I told her you’d pick her up from the train.

ANNA. Did you now. I don’t play golf. In fact I hate golf and I don’t particularly like Bernadette Tobin. She’s not a friend.

MOTHER. She’s a lovely girl once you get to know her. Just imagine the K Club. It’s only the elite that go there.

(Anna groans…..)

ANNA. Some men trying to put a silly ball into a hole. What is the bloody point?

MOTHER. The point is only rich men play golf and celebrities. Beckham and Posh go to the K Club.

ANNA. Whoopee doo.

MOTHER. Anna, you’re not going to meet anyone sitting there at home feeling miserable for yourself. Get yourself a smart haircut. Even Nuala was saying how nice your hair would be short.

ANNA. I like my hair long.

MOTHER. Yeees but you’ve had it like that for a while now and you need a change. You know what they say dear, out with the old and in with the new.

ANNA. May as well get a head transplant while I’m at it. Hi, Anna Moran, Insurance Executive. Yes I did go in for the total revamp, new lips, eyes, thighs, the lot. You prefer the old face. Too bad.

MOTHER. Anna, your problem is, you always go too far. You won’t get places like that you know. You need to put in more effort. Try to be friendly and a bit more normal. You see, men like happy well groomed women so smile dear and they’ll swarm like bees round a honey pot.

(Anna throws up her eyes in despair.)

MOTHER. One more thing before I go. Did you get last week's Kerry’s Eye?

ANNA. I think so.

MOTHER. Well?

ANNA. Well what?

MOTHER. Well did you take a look at the just-married section?

ANNA. No.

MOTHER. Take a good look my girl. She’s the talk of Dingle.

ANNA. Who?

MOTHER. Josie Mulcahy. Even our Josie got herself a man. He’s no oil painting, bit rough round the edges, but a film star for her.

BERNADETTE. Anna hi. Your mother told me you’d be here. Are you on the way?

ANNA. Am, er, no actually. I’ve been very busy this morning, have accounts to do, end of tax year returns, that sort of thing. Could you take a taxi here. I’ll pay of course. It’s not too far.

BERNADETTE. You are interested in going to the Kay Club this afternoon 'cos if you’re not I could give the pass to Jean.

ANNA. Yeah sure, why not, all that open air and testosterone.

BERNADETTE. Yes, well it’s a bit more refined than that ANNA. Its not like it’s a bunch of larger louts leering after women. The Kay club has a more, lets just say, subtle clientele.

ANNA. Boils down to the same thing though. They want us. We want them.

BERNADETTE (disinterestedly). Right, well I’ll see you then.

ANNA sits up on the bed and stares at her reflection in the mirror. Her hair is matted and mascara streaks her face.

ANNA (at reflection). Oh my good God. (Frantically phones Carmel.) Carmel.

CARMEL (to children). Shut up will you. There is only one of me and two of you. Now clear off before I really crack up. Anna darling how are you?

ANNA. Okay, well sort of okay but not really okay. I was with you last night wasn’t I?

CARMEL. Of course you were. Don’t you remember?

ANNA. Remember? Am I supposed to remember something?

CARMEL. Anna we were out for a meal with James and Linda and that new guy Sean who works with Linda’s cousin as some sort of legal whiz-kid.

ANNA (gets up and slugs a glass of water). I don’t remember. Well maybe some of the night. Yes yes thank you brain cells for rehydrating at this point. Em, I remember we had Mexican food and I drank quite a lot. It was all those spices I swear.

CARMEL. Anna you were quite drunk before we ate. You were rambling on about your job, how much you hated it, that sort of thing. But you looked lovely. I think Sean fancied you.

ANNA. Sean? But he’s only twenty two?

CARMEL. Age is nothing Anna. Besides he’s a mature twenty two year old and you’re…..well lets just say you’re very young for your age.

ANNA. And afterwards what did we do?

CARMEL. I parted company then, had to be back to breast feed Malcolm. (To children.) Do not stuff that plastercine up his nose. He will die. Do you hear. He will die.

ANNA. So I went to a party?

CARMEL. I think Linda mentioned a night club.

ANNA. Right, well best call Linda then. Don’t want to keep you from the kids.

CARMEL. Believe me it’s a pleasure Anna. Honestly the sooner they realise I am a separate being and not just a mother the saner I’ll be. Call you later.

ANNA. Linda.

LINDA. Anna.

ANNA. How are you after last night?

LINDA. Fine, fine, bit tired but good, good. We’d such a laugh last night.

ANNA. We did?

LINDA. You were hilarious. Sean tried to stop you but you were having none of it.

ANNA. What did I do?

LINDA. Don’t you remember? You snogged the bouncer outside Lily Bordellos 'cos he was stopping you from going in. And then a fight broke out over something else and you made a dash for it.

ANNA. And what happened in the night club?

LINDA. We danced for a while, then you fell over and I took you to the toilets to freshen up. I left you for a while and (laughs hysterically) when I came back you were sitting on one of the loos with the door wide open rambling on to anyone who’d listen about your job.

ANNA. Oh my good God. Shoot me down right now or send me back to the safety of being an inert egg in my mother’s womb.

LINDA. We all behave silly at some stage in our lives ANNA. Nobody took any notice of you. Well except Sean of course.

ANNA. Sean?

LINDA. I’d say he was very impressed with you. Bought you drinks all night, paid for you to get into the night club.

ANNA. And did I like him?

LINDA. At the end of the night you were all over each other. Ye went home together in a taxi and that was the last I saw of you.

ANNA. Did I look all right?

LINDA. Yeah you looked great.

ANNA. If you saw me now I could audition for Queen of the Dammed.

LINDA. You’ll be alright once you have a shower. Well hon must dash. I have to meet Thomas for lunch in Bewley's later.

ANNA. Yeah of course. Okay, bye. Oh Linda do you have Sean’s number.

LINDA. You have it. He put it into your mobile. Speak to you soon.

NELL. Is that you ANNA?

ANNA. Yip its me.

NELL. It’s Nell.

ANNA. Aunty Nell, how are you?

NELL. Not well, not well at all. Each time I go to he doctor he gives me a new tablet, sure I’m rattling with all the pills. And I don’t think they are doing me any good. Mary Moore swears by her Indian herbalist for her rheumatics so I might pay him a visit soon.

ANNA. You do that, you never know.

NELL. Now, the reason I’m ringing ANNA is because I need to stay in Dublin tonight to welcome St Theresa from the airport. Can I stay with you?

ANNA. No problem and St Theresa….she’s dead isn’t she?

NELL. Completely…….nothing left God rest her but her bones.

ANNA. So how is she coming to Dublin?

NELL. Jacinta Foley and Father Anthony from the parish are meeting Father De Villers from Lisieux. He’s bringing her to Ireland as part of her world tour and I want to be there as part of the welcoming committee.

ANNA. So what’s to see if she’s just bones?

NELL. That’s exactly what I said to aunt Nora but seemingly her bones have been known to work miracles. Jamie Burke who was crippled with gout says it was the bones that made him better and if that’s the case I might not have to visit the Indian herbalist after all.

ANNA. Yes but surely it’s a bit macabre looking at some bones in a box?

NELL. Now now ANNA you mustn’t speak ill of the blessed saint. Some of her bones are in a covered box and that’s surrounded by a glass box so it’s all very tasteful.

ANNA. Some of her bones? Where are the rest of them?

NELL. In Yugoslavia.

ANNA. Yugoslavia?

NELL. Well it’s all part of her world tour. Some will be with us and the rest will be over there. She has to be exposed to as many people as possible.

ANNA. Aunty must dash. See you soon. Byeeee. (Puts down the phone and once again gets ready for the shower. Phone rings.)

ANNA. Hello.

MOTHER. Anna, I thought I told you to collect Bernadette from the train.

ANNA. I forgot.

MOTHER. How could you forget. I met her mother in the post office and she told me that Bernadette rang her to get your phone number. Honestly I was so embarrassed.

ANNA. I told her to get a taxi here.

MOTHER. A taxi? Sure what sort of reception is that?

ANNA. Well I’m bloody paying for it and I don’t even like the girl. Mum why do you get me involved with situations I would never dream up myself.

Mum. Because it costs nothing to be nice Anna. Nothing. Remember her mother helped me out when I had that varicose vein operation. She came in to our house and cooked for us for a week.

ANNA. I know. Look I’m sorry. I’ll make it up to Bernadette. I’ll treat her to a meal tonight.

MOTHER. You do that. And Anna make sure you enjoy yourself at the Kay Club. Wear something nice. What about your brown skirt that you wore to Jacob’s wedding last year. You could get away with wearing that with that red top you picked up in Next.

ANNA. I’ll see. Must go Mum if I’m to get ready.

The phone rings again.

CARMEL. Anna, are you alright?

ANNA. As alright as I can ever be.

CARMEL. Linda rang and she’s worried about you.

ANNA. Ah you know Linda.

CARMEL. No seriously she thinks it’s a bit strange you forgetting everything you did last night.

ANNA. I am remembering some of it, getting the odd flash back but it can happen when I’ve had too much to drink that I get a black out.

CARMEL. It isn’t just that.

ANNA . Okay, spit it out. I can handle it.

CARMEL. It’s Sean.

ANNA. Sean?

CARMEL. Sean was talking to Linda’s Thomas and he said he was, you know, with you last night.

ANNA. With me?

CARMEL. Well you know, with you intimately.

ANNA. What ? I don’t even know the guy. I don’t think I’d recognise him in a police line up.

CARMEL. Well the good news is….

ANNA. There’s good news?

CARMEL. Turns out he was smitten by you, wants to see you again.

ANNA. And what about me?

CARMEL. Well I’m sure if you don’t want to see him again, you don’t have to but he is nice. Very good looking don’t you think?

ANNA. Think! I don’t even remember. All I know is I’m not on the pill so I hope he used something. Christ I’ll have to ring him. I’ll ring you later. Byeee. (rings Sean). Sean when you get this message, will you ring me asap. (goes into the shower. We hear water and in one minute she comes out with a towel wrapped around her. Her hair is wet.)

The phone rings.

ANNA . Hello

NELL. It’s me Anna. Now before we meet the welcoming committee for blessed St Theresa can I say one thing. Don’t mention the fact that her bones were divided. It was Father O’Toole who told Nora about this in confidence.

ANNA. My lips are sealed. So when are we going to the airport?

NELL. Tomorrow morning at six.

ANNA. Six?

NELL. Well we don’t want to create too big a fuss. Father O’Toole knows that RTE will want to document the arrival of St Theresa to Ireland. I’ve told Nora to look at the news tomorrow night because I plan to be beside Father as he welcomes Fr DeVillers from the arrivals lounge. Think of it Anna, you could be there too.

ANNA. Well….em …we can see what happens. Must go Aunty Nell. See you soon.

ANNA begins to get dressed when the phone rings again.

BERNADETTE. Anna I’ll be a bit delayed. I want to go into the city to buy some tights and some books for my Mum. Do you mind? We could head out to the Kay Club around three.

ANNA. No problem Bernadette. Listen where would you like to eat later?

BERNADETTE. We might meet some guys who’ll wine us and dine us so let’s not make plans just yet.

ANNA. See you soon. (sighs and finishes off getting dressed. She tries on a dress and the discards it in favour of another one. She brushes her hair and ties it up. Her phone rings.)

ANNA. Hello.

LINDA. Anna, hi, have you spoken to Sean yet?

ANNA. I tried his mobile but I only got through to his answer phone.

LINDA. That’s 'cos he’s at football training now.

ANNA. So he’s been saying he had his wicked way with me last night. I mean what kind of gormless, spineless moron would do that? He should have put an announcement in the paper. Try Anna Moran, she’s game for anything.

LINDA. I think he was a bit more discreet than that.

ANNA. Discreet. The bastard kissed and told. I am so sick of the morons I meet but he has got to take the bloody biscuit.

LINDA. You know what guys are like. Nudge, nudge, wink, wink, did you get your leg over? He probably just said yes to Thomas. Anyway he wants to see you again so you must have been quite a hit.

ANNA. I don’t remember the guy. Late last night is still a blank. I mean did I go to his place ‘cos he didn’t come to mine. Where does he live?

LINDA. Foxrock. I’ve been to his apartment before. It’s very impressive for a guy on his own.

ANNA. No, still no recollection.

LINDA. Wait until you’ve eaten. Eat something and when your brain has enough sugar you might be able to think straight.

ANNA. Good idea. Listen I’ll ring you when I remember something.

LINDA. Don’t forget, you promised to come to Thomas’s speech in Trinity at eight tonight.

ANNA. I did?

LINDA. And Anna, don’t let me down. It would mean a lot to Thomas. Bye. See you later.

(Anna rummages under the bed and retrieves a mars bar. As she unwraps bar she mutters.)

ANNA. Bloody speeches, bits of bones and golf snobs. Could life get any better. Okay let me get this straight. Number one I am no longer drunk. I am just depressed. Seriously depressed, bordering on an insane need to ring the Samaritans. Number two I do not remember my actions last night because my brain is too terrified to remind me, which means I did things I am guilty of and have suppressed. Number three, the only person who knows is Sean who is right now pouring his testosterone into a ball in a field. Number four, one of my eggs could have been fertilised and I am growing a child I won’t be able to identify because I can’t remember what the father looks like.

The phone rings.

CARMEL. Well?

ANNA. Well nothing. I’m still in the dark and I can’t get through to Sean.

CARMEL. Sean seemed nice Anna. I know you so don’t give him a hard time when you get through to him. Go on a date with him if he asks.

ANNA. He’s too young.

CARMEL. Rubbish.

ANNA. I mean let’s say he is gorgeous and we do fall madly in love. I mean where could it lead?

CARMEL. I see what you mean. You’re not getting any younger and well any man who’s twenty two and thinking of marriage has got to be a genetic mistake. Still once you have a guy you seem to attract another one.

ANNA. Why do I bother at all? I don’t believe there is a right one out there for me. I am too much for myself to handle so what man in his sane mind would take me on?

CARMEL. Anna, you are good looking, funny, generous, a bit zany yes but I wouldn’t have you any other way.

ANNA. Ah thanks for trying to cheer me up but seriously I feel like I need an MOT.

CARMEL. Practice some deep breathing and getting in touch with the inner you, the one that is eternal and beautiful. Breathe in joy, breathe out anguish. In with anger out with love. (breathes deeply)

ANNA. The inner me might be beautiful but it’s the outer me I’m having problems with.

CARMEL. Anna you must think positively. Listen have to dash. Malcolm is screaming.

ANNA lays down on the bed. The phone rings.

SEAN. ANNA, how are you? I got your message.

ANNA. Sean? I mean the Sean I was with last night?

SEAN. The very one. So how’s the head today?

ANNA. Fine, fine, well not very fine, in fact not fine at all. I need to know what happened last night after we left the night club.

SEAN. We went to my friend’s apartment in the city centre. He lets me borrow it when he goes to the country.

ANNA. And what did we do?

SEAN. We had some coffee, listened to some very crappy jazz music. You told some jokes, very bad jokes I might add.

ANNA. What did you do to my body?

SEAN. Do to your body? Well we lay there for a while and one thing led to another. Let me tell you the lady protested not.

ANNA. Did you, I mean did you use protection?

SEAN. No. You said it didn’t matter and I just thought you were on the pill or something.

ANNA. I was paralysed drunk. How could you believe anything that came out of my mouth?

SEAN. I was pretty drunk myself so you sounded alright to me.

ANNA. I could be pregnant. I need to go to the hospital to get the morning after pill.

SEAN . If you like I can take you. We could go out for something to eat later.

ANNA. It’s okay. I can go myself.

SEAN. No I insist. It’s also my fault and besides I want to.

ANNA. I have to go the Kay club with a friend, well she’s not really a friend so I’ll cancel her and go to the hospital with you. And crisis will be averted.

SEAN. Not quite. Em you also did something, which at the time was insanely funny but in the cold light of day, is rather tragic.

ANNA. Tell me.

SEAN. You rang your boss and told him to go stuff his job.

ANNA. I did what?

SEAN. Well you kept ranting on about your job so much Linda told you to ring your boss and tell him what you think of him. We all thought you wouldn’t do it of course but then you did. You said it was the answering machine in his office and you left a long message saying he was a constipated old fart who wouldn’t know talent if it hit him in the eye.

ANNA. I have to go Sean. Call me later (hangs up). Did I ring the boss? (Checks phone.) Oh fuck. I did.

(Anna down on the bed. At various intervals her friends, her Aunt and Sean call to the door. Anna stays in bed and doesn’t respond. We just hear them knocking and calling out Anna’s name.)

THE END